the life of a lover…
the life of a lover…
disability pays for my apartment, food in my fridge, internet, some extra cash, oh yeah and my hair every other month.
i didn’t want to drift into this lull of sleeping into unconsciousness… but i suppose, it’s inevitable. this is the only way i can understand what my subconscious is trying to reach to my aware mind.
then the blankness the swells over black, crushes over a different kind of black.
instantly you were there. curious how it is that males are always digging in my brain. other important people in my life are there too, but never the main character in my dreams. i was afraid, and you knew i was. curiouser how it is that i am most of the time afraid. i’m not sure if it was supposed to be day or night, either way, it was pitch black. you grabbed my hand and hurried us to some kind of safety, though we both knew it was not safe, just trying to calm our nerves and search for enough time to think clearly. it was your mother, the mother i always wanted i never had. she and her other son, still a child fastened in the passenger seat of her soccer mother vehicle. we were driving quickly to avoid the black where we knew would never ease. you wrapped your long, thin arms around me and kissed me - messy and uncontrollable, but still loving and caring - to end the fear that caught in my throat. it worked, as it took me by suprise, we haven’t thought of ourselves that way for many years. i looked out the blurred windows and stared at the dark empty sky, noticing a strange object caught my eye. it was brilliant, firey, scorching, flaming, screeching, racing across the heavens. it reached the earth and everything was collapsing and burning, just enough for another to come toward us. once everyone was running, driving away from the inferno like us, saving their lives, screaming and sobbing as if that would save their souls. the people were swarming around us, most of them were wearing custumes like the whole world was a party before the comets came to our atmosphere. the pedestrians were pleading us to fit inside this automobile, we both wanted to save as many as possible in these 4 wheels. we did, and then the came into us from the back hatch, too many, we could never escape with these bodies scrammed us. rationaly i said we could only rescue on more person on this life-saver. immediately i heard his voice, like i hadn’t heard it for an eternity, and knew it as spoke toward us. i turned and saw his face, his body, still laughing and joking, as he always did while we were still a “we”. i had no choice, i had to save him, as usual. you looked with a disapproving, hurt face toward me and said “i love you, i have always loved you, why are you choosing him instead of me?” i stared at him and he said “i love you, i have missed you, you are my heart, please do not leave me again.” i couldn’t understand him, but i knew what he was saying, like he always did. right when i felt we all were going to end this life, gazing at the sky as the moon had changed into the sun smothering this combusting planet. so, i said, to both my old loves - my first and the last part of my soul -
“this isn’t about how much, it’s not a contest, it’s not comparable, it’s not about weight. all i know is, it is only about love.”
you probably will or will not know and understand who i am, or who i will be.
you may or may not know where i have been, or where i will go.
you might or might not know what i have, or what i have not done.
i am eccentric and electric, always glowing, warming and spreading the life and love i hold inside my unlocked, uncaged heart. it’s sweet as honey. strong and pure. natural as breathing.
if you just give me a split second i will affect your personal opinions - emotions and attitudes. just tack it onto your mind and remember who is this little darling with these brilliant blue eyes.